Types of woman
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work
Rules for Guaranteed Promotion
1.Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2.Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3.Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4.Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5.Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6.Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7.Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8.Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9.Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10.MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
1.Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2.Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3.Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4.Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5.Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6.Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7.Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8.Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9.Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10.MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Strange Laws Around The World
01- In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.
02- In Los Angeles, it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”
03- In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress “Barbie” in “Ken’s” clothes.
04- In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
05- In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
06- In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
07- In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
08- In Cannes, France, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
09- In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” by saying,“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is an automatic $300 fine.
10- In Kentucky, it’s illegal to paint your lawn red.
11- In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
12- In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
13- In Vermont, it’s illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
14- In Tennessee, it’s illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
15- In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
16- In Italy, anyone considered “obese” is forbidden from wearing polyester.
17- It’s illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
18- Anyone caught selling a “smoothie” that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
19- In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
20- In New York City, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call it a “corned beef sandwich” if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.
02- In Los Angeles, it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”
03- In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress “Barbie” in “Ken’s” clothes.
04- In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
05- In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
06- In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
07- In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
08- In Cannes, France, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
09- In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” by saying,“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is an automatic $300 fine.
10- In Kentucky, it’s illegal to paint your lawn red.
11- In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
12- In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
13- In Vermont, it’s illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
14- In Tennessee, it’s illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
15- In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
16- In Italy, anyone considered “obese” is forbidden from wearing polyester.
17- It’s illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
18- Anyone caught selling a “smoothie” that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
19- In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
20- In New York City, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call it a “corned beef sandwich” if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Hari Sadu's
To begin with specie 1:
Insecure , Incompetent and Saduuuuuuuu is the category, which harasses the most.They are the most in secure types ,dont know what is going to happen and what they are going to do in life .Its sheer luck that they are the Boss else they are good for nothing.
They have this thing called I am the Boss syndrome,which they want to showcase whenever they get a chance. They generally take credit of their subordinates work. This charecterstic is common in most of these species,its very rare that you find some exception.These cheesers are mean ,want to get the work done ,miser,and Meri awaz suno Kinds.
Had one such Boss who whenever we went out for meetings followed by lunches,would never use to pay.This guy generally use to leave the table when the Bill came "Excuse me i need to have a Fag" or Excuse me i need to go the wash room", or heights- "Need to wash my hands ".
He was one of a kind who's dialect,pronounciation,grammer was out of the world. "More " he use to pronounce as "Morae",
Dude as "duets",Vodka as "oddka".
Once he shouted on our team saying " lets all shit together for the meeting".God that was the moment we were waiting for ,we just laughed our heart out.The entire meeting he was a bit nervous but as you know these kinds he was ready with an answer that "It was mistakenly tongue slipper".
Lots I can write one more i remember was " Sorry for the delay "(read as dalay"), and also Insted of saying "Further to our conversation" he said "Father to our conversation " and the client was all confused as to whose father he was talking about.
Meetings generaly have to be b/w 9.00 to 9.30 when entire office came at 10.And he never used to come at the said time. The Rules were so different for his team as if we were working as bonded labours.
He liked his ego to be massaged everytime and we were those bunch of hooligans who gave a deaf ear to him.
I was so happy when my Boss changed but how can God bless me with a good Boss here is the next category
specie 2:
Ms /Mr Sadist and Paranoid: This category You should not interrupt when am Talking .I am Always right. Oh i can fall sick and need not to be disturbed at home But how dare u fall sick ,oh you are the one who always fall sick , and atleast do the follow up with the client at home any which ways you are justing resting.- Irony is the Boss herself/himself shows up 20 days out of 30.
These kinds are street smart, diplomat to the core, the right hand doesnt know what left hand is doing .They are all so GagGa about themself ,love to hear self praise.Cheery is they are the biggest miser and love to hog on others food . We generally call our boss "Sukdi X" .X is a colleague of mine who loves to eat and only eat whatever and in any quantity.They would never talk about the deal untill an unless finalized coz it might not just go through if they talk about. They would always use the tried and tested option whether they would work or not.And last but not the least would always show themselve Busy,would never come to office on time ,usually absent for the meetings. Luck always favours them and never me.
The day i used to be late she was there early and shouting "where are you ??? If a client of mine did not renew the subscription it was my lack of service and incompetence that the client didnt paid,but if it was her client -Oh that client is so mean ,is a bitch, is just tring his luck and all those bull shits.
If i didnot do my numbers i was losing interest,but if it was she -Oh the market is bad.
If i donot follow up wih Client coz am a human and sometimes can forget i am so careless ,ruining my career, my appraisals,but Boss doesnt follow up coz its not that important or You should not pester him girl.And the biggest curse that i have a car and Madam needs to be picked and dropped from her calls .Chipko Bosses.
specie 3:
This is the Rarest Specie :
Friendly Bosses.: They help you with your work,sometime the work loads.They would cheer youup when you are gloomy.Motivation comes to them by default. They make task easier for you.They consider you HUMAN - you have a life to live. Belief in subordinates comes to them naturally.Proffesional at work and Pals at Party kinds.
I had the privilage of havimg such Boss. Really helped our team whenever we were in some Mess or short of targets.
We enjoyed,argued, had lots of disagreements,but it was our team who achieved the numbers come what may.The Best was- we went for a call afterthe call i had to buy a formal shirt for me ,so i told him fearing what would he say. Shopping at office Hours is a Big NO NO every where but it was 5:30 so thought to have a sneak peak.Ok he said but dont reach office before 6:30 as i too need to buy a saree for my sis's bday.
Oh i was amazed to hear that.Lolsss I really enjoyed those days appraisals,targets - The worst was our team was given the highest targets all the time " By Gods Grace we all ended up earning our incentives."
The other categories are :
The sophiticated Mute -Subordinates overpower them ,They are like our President .They have no choice .
The Coffee Lovers- The maximum time they spend is at a coffee joint with their subordinates. We would work later if required hehehehhe.And why do you want to work i should find myself a different job .
To sum up :I am lucky to have worked with Hari saddu's coz - Learning from experience is a faculty almost never practiced.
Discalimer :
This write up is a piece of fiction and bears no resemblance to any person (Boss) dead or alive .
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Short Story with learning 1
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it always best to keep your mouth shut!
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it always best to keep your mouth shut!
Monday, June 21, 2010
The World’s Funniest Real Advertisements
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
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