Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
What guyz should know about gurlz...
I Encounter this article somewhere while surfing.... So keeping my social duty in the favour of boys , i am writing this article (mostly picked from that article).
1. Don't tell us when you think other girls are hot.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
3. If you don't act like soap-opera guys, don't expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
4. This is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care.
5. Which also means that if we don't call, take the hint.
6. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary.
7. We're allowed to be late . . . you are not.
8. Don't take longer to get ready than we do.
9. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers.
10. Do not start with us. You will not win... not kidding ... we ALWAYS win.
11. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way.
12. We will never have enough clothes or shoes!
13. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month.
14. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car.
15. We love surprises!
16. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
17. Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.
18. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!
19. Clean your room before we come over.
20. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity.
21. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are.
22. Sometimes even when you think we hate you, we don't, we just want you to apologize so we can be allowed to love you again.
23. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn't right.
24. DON'T LET EX-GIRLFRIENDS CAUSE DRAMA, RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRESSFUL ENOUGH!!!!!
25. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.
26. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.
27. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to … YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!
28. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware.
29. Just because a girl doesn't pick up on the first ring doesn't mean she's not waiting by the phone.
30. You don't have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.
31. Don't say you love me if you don't mean it.
32. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out. (CARDINAL RULE)
33. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you.
34. When we’re cold, give us your jacket.
35. Sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!"
36. Don't say you understand when you don't.
37. Girls are petty; get over it. We like to start fights.
38. You don't have PMS, so don't act like you know what it's like. Don't try to understand...believe me you never will.
39. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
40. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.
41. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
42. We are Drama queens; never forget that.
43. Fashion police do exist.
44. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
45. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
46. Don't make bets about us; we always find out; you may think we don't know, but WE DO!
47. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.
48. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
49. We are beautiful at all times.
50. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why can't you aim in the toilet and not on it.
51. Most importantly: we are always right in one way or another so don’t forget that!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Types of woman
Types of woman
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!
Rules For Getting Guaranteed Promotion Without Any Hard Work
Rules for Guaranteed Promotion
1.Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2.Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3.Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4.Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5.Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6.Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7.Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8.Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9.Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10.MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
1.Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2.Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3.Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4.Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5.Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6.Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7.Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8.Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9.Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10.MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Strange Laws Around The World
01- In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.
02- In Los Angeles, it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”
03- In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress “Barbie” in “Ken’s” clothes.
04- In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
05- In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
06- In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
07- In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
08- In Cannes, France, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
09- In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” by saying,“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is an automatic $300 fine.
10- In Kentucky, it’s illegal to paint your lawn red.
11- In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
12- In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
13- In Vermont, it’s illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
14- In Tennessee, it’s illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
15- In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
16- In Italy, anyone considered “obese” is forbidden from wearing polyester.
17- It’s illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
18- Anyone caught selling a “smoothie” that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
19- In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
20- In New York City, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call it a “corned beef sandwich” if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.
02- In Los Angeles, it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”
03- In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress “Barbie” in “Ken’s” clothes.
04- In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
05- In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
06- In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
07- In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
08- In Cannes, France, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
09- In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” by saying,“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is an automatic $300 fine.
10- In Kentucky, it’s illegal to paint your lawn red.
11- In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
12- In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
13- In Vermont, it’s illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
14- In Tennessee, it’s illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
15- In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
16- In Italy, anyone considered “obese” is forbidden from wearing polyester.
17- It’s illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
18- Anyone caught selling a “smoothie” that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
19- In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
20- In New York City, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call it a “corned beef sandwich” if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Hari Sadu's
To begin with specie 1:
Insecure , Incompetent and Saduuuuuuuu is the category, which harasses the most.They are the most in secure types ,dont know what is going to happen and what they are going to do in life .Its sheer luck that they are the Boss else they are good for nothing.
They have this thing called I am the Boss syndrome,which they want to showcase whenever they get a chance. They generally take credit of their subordinates work. This charecterstic is common in most of these species,its very rare that you find some exception.These cheesers are mean ,want to get the work done ,miser,and Meri awaz suno Kinds.
Had one such Boss who whenever we went out for meetings followed by lunches,would never use to pay.This guy generally use to leave the table when the Bill came "Excuse me i need to have a Fag" or Excuse me i need to go the wash room", or heights- "Need to wash my hands ".
He was one of a kind who's dialect,pronounciation,grammer was out of the world. "More " he use to pronounce as "Morae",
Dude as "duets",Vodka as "oddka".
Once he shouted on our team saying " lets all shit together for the meeting".God that was the moment we were waiting for ,we just laughed our heart out.The entire meeting he was a bit nervous but as you know these kinds he was ready with an answer that "It was mistakenly tongue slipper".
Lots I can write one more i remember was " Sorry for the delay "(read as dalay"), and also Insted of saying "Further to our conversation" he said "Father to our conversation " and the client was all confused as to whose father he was talking about.
Meetings generaly have to be b/w 9.00 to 9.30 when entire office came at 10.And he never used to come at the said time. The Rules were so different for his team as if we were working as bonded labours.
He liked his ego to be massaged everytime and we were those bunch of hooligans who gave a deaf ear to him.
I was so happy when my Boss changed but how can God bless me with a good Boss here is the next category
specie 2:
Ms /Mr Sadist and Paranoid: This category You should not interrupt when am Talking .I am Always right. Oh i can fall sick and need not to be disturbed at home But how dare u fall sick ,oh you are the one who always fall sick , and atleast do the follow up with the client at home any which ways you are justing resting.- Irony is the Boss herself/himself shows up 20 days out of 30.
These kinds are street smart, diplomat to the core, the right hand doesnt know what left hand is doing .They are all so GagGa about themself ,love to hear self praise.Cheery is they are the biggest miser and love to hog on others food . We generally call our boss "Sukdi X" .X is a colleague of mine who loves to eat and only eat whatever and in any quantity.They would never talk about the deal untill an unless finalized coz it might not just go through if they talk about. They would always use the tried and tested option whether they would work or not.And last but not the least would always show themselve Busy,would never come to office on time ,usually absent for the meetings. Luck always favours them and never me.
The day i used to be late she was there early and shouting "where are you ??? If a client of mine did not renew the subscription it was my lack of service and incompetence that the client didnt paid,but if it was her client -Oh that client is so mean ,is a bitch, is just tring his luck and all those bull shits.
If i didnot do my numbers i was losing interest,but if it was she -Oh the market is bad.
If i donot follow up wih Client coz am a human and sometimes can forget i am so careless ,ruining my career, my appraisals,but Boss doesnt follow up coz its not that important or You should not pester him girl.And the biggest curse that i have a car and Madam needs to be picked and dropped from her calls .Chipko Bosses.
specie 3:
This is the Rarest Specie :
Friendly Bosses.: They help you with your work,sometime the work loads.They would cheer youup when you are gloomy.Motivation comes to them by default. They make task easier for you.They consider you HUMAN - you have a life to live. Belief in subordinates comes to them naturally.Proffesional at work and Pals at Party kinds.
I had the privilage of havimg such Boss. Really helped our team whenever we were in some Mess or short of targets.
We enjoyed,argued, had lots of disagreements,but it was our team who achieved the numbers come what may.The Best was- we went for a call afterthe call i had to buy a formal shirt for me ,so i told him fearing what would he say. Shopping at office Hours is a Big NO NO every where but it was 5:30 so thought to have a sneak peak.Ok he said but dont reach office before 6:30 as i too need to buy a saree for my sis's bday.
Oh i was amazed to hear that.Lolsss I really enjoyed those days appraisals,targets - The worst was our team was given the highest targets all the time " By Gods Grace we all ended up earning our incentives."
The other categories are :
The sophiticated Mute -Subordinates overpower them ,They are like our President .They have no choice .
The Coffee Lovers- The maximum time they spend is at a coffee joint with their subordinates. We would work later if required hehehehhe.And why do you want to work i should find myself a different job .
To sum up :I am lucky to have worked with Hari saddu's coz - Learning from experience is a faculty almost never practiced.
Discalimer :
This write up is a piece of fiction and bears no resemblance to any person (Boss) dead or alive .
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Short Story with learning 1
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it always best to keep your mouth shut!
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it always best to keep your mouth shut!
Monday, June 21, 2010
The World’s Funniest Real Advertisements
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Rajesh Khanna accuses James Cameron of plagiarism
Mumbai. Rajesh Khanna urff Kaka has finally broken his silence and has confirmed what was being widely speculated and rumored around in the Indian blogosphere – James Cameron’s latest blockbuster AvatarAvtaar. In an exclusive interview to AHL , the romantic superstar of the 70’s has accused James Cameron of lifting certain scenes from his movie without giving due credits. being a copy of Kaka’s 1983 Bollywood masterpiece
“After reading about it on various blogs, I decided to watch James Cameron’s movie, and I was shocked to find it a scene by scene copy of my movie. They just moved an A from the right side of the T to the left side in the movie title.” said a visibly upset Kaka, adding, “I almost wanted to cry, but I didn’t, because you know, Pushpa, I hate tears re.”
Kaka has some hard evidence to prove his point; he has pictures that show exactly how Avatar (2009) is inspired by Avtaar (1983). Kaka was kind enough to hand over these images to AHL News reporter Pushpa, and is contemplating filing a court case against James Cameron.
We leave our readers with these pictures so that they can decide for themselves:
"They copied the POSTER!"
"They even copied my paralyzed hand "
"Shabana’s faraway look, copied again"
"Do you need more proof?"
Courtsey-: totalhungama
Friday, January 29, 2010
Unique ID CARDS-----Our Future.....Nandan Nilekani can do it!!!!
The technology has advanced so much today! Imagine how it is going to be after about 20 years!!! We might possess gadgets like the ones that Richie Rich has…press a button on your watch and it will turn into a helicopter.. Even the milkman will have a laptop probably with an ERP package to track the houses to which he has to deliver milk everyday and will have tables like MM_HOUSES_ALL, MM_COWS_ALL, MM_MILKCANS..lol.. Now almost all the kids have forgotten what it is like playing in the field with friends.. they are hooked to the computer games.. I have become addicted to the computer.. I cannot spend a single day without using the computer There will be a day in the future when we will have a daily routine of get up -> eat -> work using your computer -> eat -> work -> eat -> sleep.. what with shopping also being done on the net!
I had received a forward long back. But I liked it so much that I had never deleted it.
Here it goes..
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's he..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"
Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... ... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2008, you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]
I had received a forward long back. But I liked it so much that I had never deleted it.
Here it goes..
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's he..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"
Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... ... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2008, you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]
Monday, January 25, 2010
Write a program in c/c++ for college love ?
#include
#include
#define Cute beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute )
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);
else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
smoke++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<=8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;
pub:
{
friends++;
party++;
booze++;
smoke++;
if(pub.close())
{
pay->bill;
come->out;
}
}
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
sweetpan++;
polo++;
goto home;
}
friendsroom:
{
goto sleep;
}
home:
{
if(mom.shouts())
{
reason=(combinedstudy
projectwork
friendsbday);
say->reason;
}
if(dad.shouts ())
shut->yourmouth;
call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice
lover_mom->voice))
{
hang++;
}
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
{
for(time=12:30;time<=1..30;time+=0.001)
{
say->ILuvU;
scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
}
}
goto sleep;
}
sleep:
{
*(dream)=love;
}
}
#include
#define Cute beautiful_lady
main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute )
line++;
while( !reply )
{
printf("I Love U");
scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);
else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
lover =Cute ;
love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
food++;
smile++;
pay->money = lover->money;
return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
watch++;
if(intermission)
{
coke++;
smoke++;
}
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
for(time=6.30;time<=8.30;time+=0.001)
kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;
pub:
{
friends++;
party++;
booze++;
smoke++;
if(pub.close())
{
pay->bill;
come->out;
}
}
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
sweetpan++;
polo++;
goto home;
}
friendsroom:
{
goto sleep;
}
home:
{
if(mom.shouts())
{
reason=(combinedstudy
projectwork
friendsbday);
say->reason;
}
if(dad.shouts ())
shut->yourmouth;
call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice
lover_mom->voice))
{
hang++;
}
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
{
for(time=12:30;time<=1..30;time+=0.001)
{
say->ILuvU;
scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
}
}
goto sleep;
}
sleep:
{
*(dream)=love;
}
}
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Tech Support..... Damn Hilarious...!!!!!!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: i_thought_you_loved_me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe ...!
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: i_thought_you_loved_me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe ...!
Tech Support
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thousands of suicides of Farmville farmers over crop failure
These days many people are damm crazy about the farmville application.(Please don't ask me what the farmville is all about).. They consider themself as real farmers and very cautious about thier crops , crop harvesting time and lots more. So imagine if farmville is not application and it is the real scenario , then what happens ??? AHL (Anshul Humour News) reported the effects of realness of Farmville.
AHL (Anshul Humour News) Hyderabad. In a shocking revelation, latest reports coming in from urban India indicate that thousands of Farmville farmers have ended their lives after failure to harvest their crops on time that led to insurmountable debts. The trouble started when internet services across India were disrupted after a submarine cable system in the Mediterranean Sea was cut. Farmville farmers couldn’t access their farms and their crops started wilting.
As the news spread like wild-fire, mass hysteria gripped the farmers who could not envisage how they would repay the coin-loans which they had borrowed by paying real cash. Preliminary reports claim the death toll to be anything in the region of 18,000 to 19,000.
A suicidal Farmville farmer from India
“My pumpkins were supposed to harvest in the next one hour and it has already been nineteen hours since we lost internet connectivity. My entire fasal has been destroyed!!” rued Janet Singhania, wife of the deceased farmer Rahul, as she flashed a credit card statement. The couple had paid real cash to Farmville owner Zynga to buy coins, which they had financed through their credit card.
Others like Mrs. Kumar were still a little optimistic because she had a couple of days to harvest her potatoes and was sure that the maha-havan she had performed today would help restore the internet connectivity before the required time.
According to the reports, the suicide rate was highest amongst the small and medium farmers, who ended their lives to escape facing jibes from their Farmville neighbors apart from being ridiculed on pages and groups. Thousands of other farmers had similar stories.
AHL (Anshul Humour News) Hyderabad. In a shocking revelation, latest reports coming in from urban India indicate that thousands of Farmville farmers have ended their lives after failure to harvest their crops on time that led to insurmountable debts. The trouble started when internet services across India were disrupted after a submarine cable system in the Mediterranean Sea was cut. Farmville farmers couldn’t access their farms and their crops started wilting.
As the news spread like wild-fire, mass hysteria gripped the farmers who could not envisage how they would repay the coin-loans which they had borrowed by paying real cash. Preliminary reports claim the death toll to be anything in the region of 18,000 to 19,000.
A suicidal Farmville farmer from India
“My pumpkins were supposed to harvest in the next one hour and it has already been nineteen hours since we lost internet connectivity. My entire fasal has been destroyed!!” rued Janet Singhania, wife of the deceased farmer Rahul, as she flashed a credit card statement. The couple had paid real cash to Farmville owner Zynga to buy coins, which they had financed through their credit card. Others like Mrs. Kumar were still a little optimistic because she had a couple of days to harvest her potatoes and was sure that the maha-havan she had performed today would help restore the internet connectivity before the required time.
According to the reports, the suicide rate was highest amongst the small and medium farmers, who ended their lives to escape facing jibes from their Farmville neighbors apart from being ridiculed on pages and groups. Thousands of other farmers had similar stories.
“Indian Farmville farmers have traditionally depended upon timely arrival of internet connection. If there is any late arrival or if the speed is slow and irregular, crops suffer. This government has failed to make alternative arrangements and the farmers are completely at the mercy of internet service providers.” Mr. Swaminathan, an agricultural expert said.
Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar has expressed shock and disbelief at the news. But he clarified that it would be impossible to provide another relief package to the farmers, especially with elections not due for another four years.
When asked by when the farmers could expect the internet connections to be restored, Mr. Pawar denied any knowledge, adding that he was not any Jyotishi who could predict such providential events. But his Jyotishi remark has created a controversy.
“If a Jyotishi can provide an answer then let Pawar resign and make way for some Jyotishi.” said an angry farmer, as the comments were widely criticized by political parties as well as academicians. Stung by the criticism, the government has decided to launch a probe to ascertain the role of Zynga and the Internet Service Providers (ISPs).
Meanwhile, taking advantage of the situation, some software engineers have created a facebook global-warming application and attributed the crop failure to it. Most of the Indian farms are located on facebook.
Courtesy-: Totalhungama
Courtesy-: Totalhungama
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
If news channels report Chatur Ramalingam's speech from 3 Idiots
Imagine if Chatur Ramalingam uff Silencer’s speech on Teacher’s Day from the movie 3 Idiots was a real event. Then how would the leading Hindi news channels of India reported it? AHN ( Anshul Humour News) tries to imagine the Breaking News headlines that would have been flashed by five leading Hindi news channels. If you haven’t watched 3 Idiots, you can watch the concerned clip here.
Disclaimer: The photoshop quality is pretty ordinary and the screens don’t resemble the exact appearance of the screen of respective news channels
Zee News: A news channel that is hardly in news, maybe due to headlines like this?
Star News: They keep you ahead (aapko rakhe aage) basically they are hiding behind you, be alert and take care of your posterior.
Disclaimer: The photoshop quality is pretty ordinary and the screens don’t resemble the exact appearance of the screen of respective news channels
Zee News: A news channel that is hardly in news, maybe due to headlines like this?
Zee News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots
NDTV India: Accused of trying too much with information and analysis thrust down the throat of a helpless viewer.
NDTV India reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots
Star News: They keep you ahead (aapko rakhe aage) basically they are hiding behind you, be alert and take care of your posterior.
Star News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots
Aaj Tak: Sabse tez, they had started as a reliable 30-minutes daily news bulletin on Doordarshan, many people believe that their total news content even today is not more than 30-minutes in a day.
Aaj Tak reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots
and ladies and gentlemen, now presenting, the one and the only, India TV:
India TV reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots
Courtesy-: totalhomour
Monday, January 18, 2010
Presenting Love In The Time Of Social Networking
Word of Advice: Read from the bottom up for it to make sense. Well, somewhat more sense than it’ll make if you read it the other way, anyway. Also, I’d wait a bit for the image to load. Apologies to your ISP dudes for hogging up your bandwidth!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)