Unique ID CARDS-----Our Future.....Nandan Nilekani can do it!!!!

The technology has advanced so much today! Imagine how it is going to be after about 20 years!!! We might possess gadgets like the ones that Richie Rich has…press a button on your watch and it will turn into a helicopter.. Even the milkman will have a laptop probably with an ERP package to track the houses to which he has to deliver milk everyday and will have tables like MM_HOUSES_ALL, MM_COWS_ALL, MM_MILKCANS..lol.. Now almost all the kids have forgotten what it is like playing in the field with friends.. they are hooked to the computer games.. I have become addicted to the computer.. I cannot spend a single day without using the computer There will be a day in the future when we will have a daily routine of get up -> eat -> work using your computer -> eat -> work -> eat -> sleep.. what with shopping also being done on the net!

I had received a forward long back. But I liked it so much that I had never deleted it.

Here it goes..

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.... ... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2008, you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: [Faints]

Write a program in c/c++ for college love ?

#include
#include
#define Cute beautiful_lady

main()
{
goto college;
scanf("100%",&ladies);
if(lady ==Cute )
line++;
while( !reply )
{
       printf("I Love U");
       scanf("100%",&reply);
}
if(reply == "GAALI")
main(); /* go back and repeat the process */
else if(reply == "SANDAL ")
exit(1);
else if(reply == "I Love U")
{
     lover =Cute ;
     love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
}
goto restaurant;
restaurant:
{
     food++;
     smile++;
     pay->money = lover->money;
     return(college);
}
if(time==2.30)
goto cinema;
cinema:
{
    watch++;
        if(intermission)
           {
               coke++;
               smoke++;
           }
}
if(time ==6.00)
goto park;
park:
{
      for(time=6.30;time<=8.30;time+=0.001)
      kiss = kiss+1;
}
free(lover);
return(home);
if(time ==9.30)
goto pub;
pub:
     {
         friends++;
         party++;
         booze++;
         smoke++;
         if(pub.close())
             {
                pay->bill;
                come->out;
             }
     }
if (highly->intoxicated)
goto friendsroom;
else
{
     sweetpan++;
     polo++;
    goto home;
}
friendsroom:
{
    goto sleep;
}
home:
{
    if(mom.shouts())
      {
         reason=(combinedstudy
         projectwork
         friendsbday);
        say->reason;
      }
if(dad.shouts ())
shut->yourmouth;
call->lover;
if(phone->voice==(lover_dad->voice
                              lover_mom->voice))
   {
       hang++;
   }
else if(phone->voice==lover->voice)
   {
       for(time=12:30;time<=1..30;time+=0.001)
          {
              say->ILuvU;
             scanf("100%",&reply); /* "I Love U" already stored in reply */
          }
   }
goto sleep;
}
sleep:
{
    *(dream)=love;
}
}

Tech Support..... Damn Hilarious...!!!!!!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

· Romance 9.5 and

· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NBA 5.0,

· NFL 3.0 and

· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,

· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: i_thought_you_loved_me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend

· Cooking 3.0 and

· Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck Babe ...!

Tech Support

Thousands of suicides of Farmville farmers over crop failure

These days many people are damm crazy about the farmville application.(Please don't ask me what the farmville is all about).. They consider themself as real farmers and very cautious about thier crops , crop harvesting time and lots more. So imagine if farmville is not application and it is the real scenario , then what happens ??? AHL (Anshul Humour News) reported the effects of realness of Farmville.

AHL (Anshul Humour News) Hyderabad. In a shocking revelation, latest reports coming in from urban India indicate that thousands of Farmville farmers have ended their lives after failure to harvest their crops on time that led to insurmountable debts. The trouble started when internet services across India were disrupted after a submarine cable system in the Mediterranean Sea was cut. Farmville farmers couldn’t access their farms and their crops started wilting.

As the news spread like wild-fire, mass hysteria gripped the farmers who could not envisage how they would repay the coin-loans which they had borrowed by paying real cash. Preliminary reports claim the death toll to be anything in the region of 18,000 to 19,000.

A suicidal Farmville farmer from India
“My pumpkins were supposed to harvest in the next one hour and it has already been nineteen hours since we lost internet connectivity. My entire fasal has been destroyed!!” rued Janet Singhania, wife of the deceased farmer Rahul, as she flashed a credit card statement. The couple had paid real cash to Farmville owner Zynga to buy coins, which they had financed through their credit card.

Others like Mrs. Kumar were still a little optimistic because she had a couple of days to harvest her potatoes and was sure that the maha-havan she had performed today would help restore the internet connectivity before the required time.

According to the reports, the suicide rate was highest amongst the small and medium farmers, who ended their lives to escape facing jibes from their Farmville neighbors apart from being ridiculed on pages and groups. Thousands of  other farmers had similar stories.

“Indian Farmville farmers have traditionally depended upon timely arrival of internet connection. If there is any late arrival or if the speed is slow and irregular, crops suffer. This government has failed to make alternative arrangements and the farmers are completely at the mercy of internet service providers.” Mr. Swaminathan, an agricultural expert said.

Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar has expressed shock and disbelief at the news. But he clarified that it would be impossible to provide another relief package to the farmers, especially with elections not due for another four years.

When asked by when the farmers could expect the internet connections to be restored, Mr. Pawar denied any knowledge, adding that he was not any Jyotishi who could predict such providential events. But his Jyotishi remark has created a controversy.

“If a Jyotishi can provide an answer then let Pawar resign and make way for some Jyotishi.” said an angry farmer, as the comments were widely criticized by political parties as well as academicians. Stung by the criticism, the government has decided to launch a probe to ascertain the role of Zynga and the Internet Service Providers (ISPs).

Meanwhile, taking advantage of the situation, some software engineers have created a facebook global-warming application and attributed the crop failure to it. Most of the Indian farms are located on facebook.

Courtesy-: Totalhungama

If news channels report Chatur Ramalingam's speech from 3 Idiots

Imagine if Chatur Ramalingam uff Silencer’s speech on Teacher’s Day from the movie 3 Idiots was a real event. Then how would the leading Hindi news channels of India reported it? AHN ( Anshul Humour News) tries to imagine the Breaking News headlines that would have been flashed by five leading Hindi news channels. If you haven’t watched 3 Idiots, you can watch the concerned clip here.

Disclaimer: The photoshop quality is pretty ordinary and the screens don’t resemble the exact appearance of the screen of respective news channels

Zee News: A news channel that is hardly in news, maybe due to headlines like this?

Zee News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

NDTV India: Accused of trying too much with information and analysis thrust down the throat of a helpless viewer.

NDTV India reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Star News: They keep you ahead (aapko rakhe aage) basically they are hiding behind you, be alert and take care of your posterior.

                 

 

Star News reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Aaj Tak: Sabse tez, they had started as a reliable 30-minutes daily news bulletin on Doordarshan, many people believe that their total news content even today is not more than 30-minutes in a day.

Aaj Tak reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

and ladies and gentlemen, now presenting, the one and the only, India TV:

India TV reporting Silencer’s speech from 3 Idiots

Courtesy-: totalhomour

Presenting Love In The Time Of Social Networking

Word of Advice: Read from the bottom up for it to make sense. Well, somewhat more sense than it’ll make if you read it the other way, anyway. Also, I’d wait a bit for the image to load. Apologies to your ISP dudes for hogging up your bandwidth!